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How to talk to your loved one when you have communication issues

How to talk to your loved one when you are having communication issues

Ever wondered if the phrase, "never go to bed angry" is accurate? Usually, anger or anxiety can cause communication riffs between couples, and there are a few ways that you can avoid the communication riffs when they are more likely to occur. What do you do when you can't communicate? 


If you are dating an introvert or are an introvert yourself, there are some differences when you are communicating, especially on important topics. Introverts by nature need more time to process through information. So it may be a good idea to revisit a topic or give a topic time before discussing it. 


If you are an extrovert or dating an extrovert, most extroverts need to be able to process through topics by talking. As they talk about the topic or listen to themselves state things out loud, it helps them to identify thought processes and emotions. During conversations with extroverts, watch their body language as they talk, and ask them about what they just stated or how they felt about what they just stated. 

General Tips

Most couples need to find the right time to be able to communicate, be able to talk face to face (so if you are separated by distance, try using FaceTime or Skype), try not to attack the person by using I statements (I feel...), be honest (identify how your body feels and try to understand your emotions before expressing them), check your body language (try to have open body language by not crossing your arms or legs), use the 48 hour (if your significant other is doing something that is bothering you, you don't have to approach the situation right away. You can give yourself some time to process through it or calm down. However, you don't want too much time to pass). 


For people that get angry quite frequently, they often have certain stories that they tell themselves. There are things you can do to get rid of those stories, and if you are interested, I can help you do that. However, there are things you can do when you are in the moment and angry. Before you do something that you will regret later, stop what you are doing and take a moment to identify the pre-triggers. The pre-triggers are what happened or what was said that caused the raw emotion. That raw emotion lead to the secondary emotion, which is anger. I call it a secondary emotion, because anger comes after the initial emotion. 

You can give yourself time to calm down and process by either going for a walk, talking to a friend, listening to some music, or going for a drive. When you are better able to process through the situation, identify your pre-trigger. The pre-trigger caused you to feel sadness, shame, guilt, or some other emotion. Take some time to not judge yourself for what emotion you felt. Also, try not to judge someone else for that emotion. After the initial emotion, your brain will try to tell you some stories. Try and separate from those stories and look at them from an outsider's perspective. When you are able to understand yourself better, it will help you when you talk to your significant other about it. 

Still Need Something Extra?

Are you interested in learning more about yourself? Do you need help with your anger? If all of the above statements were something new that you've never heard of before and you struggle with anger, contact me so that we can explore some options. We can strategize what your next steps can be. 

Creative Space Online Counseling and Coaching

Barbara Maulding, NCC, LCPC